Lex and the City: Fishers of Men
Hello Lexers. Here at LATC, we’re having mixed feelings about entering our final term here in the bubble. The feelings aren’t mixed merely because the future is uncertain (insert your own “in this economic downturn” sentence here) but mostly because we’re trying to soak up all of the fun, events and opportunities before we’re given the boot from the hill and have to happen upon the real world of buying drinks at bars and knowing the party hosts before you arrive. With that said, we’re still here and as long as we’re walking down the colonnade, we’re giving relationship advice when and where we can.
So enough of the welcome back mumbo jumbo; let’s get to the good stuff. It was when I was talking to a friend of mine just the other day over an ice cold Natty Light kegger in a co-op cup that the topic of catty retaliatory behavior came up. (Who else is surprised that retaliatory is a real word? That’d be me.) It was while I was listening to this “he said/she said, he did/she did” tale of backstabbing and bitchery Bret Easton Ellis couldn’t make up that I couldn’t help but wonder: in relationships, is there room for bitchy behavior? When the competition is high, is it ok to let the claws come out? When “getting even,” how far is too far?
It’s no secret that the dating pool is always smaller than the number of people in
competition. It’s a phenomenon that never ceases to amaze, but no matter who you are or what you desire, it will always at least appear that there are too few fish in the pond and too many fisherman trying to land one. And it isn’t only fish that are a scarce resource. On the contrary, for every hen on the farm, there seems to be fewer and fewer cocks cocking around. So with the numbers in favor of the opposition, it’s no wonder that people in general will pull out whatever stops necessary to land themselves a fish or a cock… or in some cases either/or and both.
When dealing with the competition, I’d hazard to say the bitchier the actions, the better. Let’s face it ladies, a rumor here and a rumor there isn’t going to cut it in this saturated market. You’ve got to go for the jug if you’re going to thwart the other ladies vying for your prize. I’m talking some truly underhanded tactics here. Take it to srat lunch. Obnoxiously discuss other people’s shitty behavior in the c-school reading room. Make it known to other women and men alike why this person is so heinous and stand behind your accusations. The only thing to remember is, don’t be two faced. If you’re going after the competition head on, then go for it. It’s one thing to bring that other bitch down openly and in public, and it’s another thing to do it behind her back. We don’t condone secret bitchery, mostly because public rivalries are more fun to watch, but there’s a fine line between playing an aggressive game and being a heinous see you next Tuesday yourself. And no one wants to be seen on a Tuesday.
It’s also important to surround yourself with a posse of equally aggressive and bitchy people. Men and women both travel in packs and if you’re going to fish successfully in the W&L pond, it’s important to have strong fisherman on your side. Non-metaphorically speaking, if the bitches who can do the most damage are your friends, then you don’t have to worry about them undercutting you and taking your salmon, leaving you with nothing but a fugly trout. Bitchy people tend to be loyal, at least to the ones they like, and unless you throw the gauntlet at them, they’ll assist you in whatever way they can.
Finally, Lexers, when it comes to utilizing cattiness for the sake of relationships, there is nothing more important to remember than protecting your own reputation. The moment you identify and enemy and go after them, you leave yourself vulnerable to the same catty retaliation that appalled me as I tried to sip my Natty out of a co-op straw. If you’re going to start shooting down other people’s pegs, prepare to be shot down as well. Don’t cry when someone pulls the claws out on you. All you can do is buck up and get ready for the next battle.
Pat Benetar said that love is a battlefield, and let me tell you Lexers, all is fair in love and war. So go, start those rumors, give those skank looks and forward those trashy text messages until you’ve accomplished your goal and landed the fish or cock that you want. Don’t settle for less and surely don’t go soft. No one likes someone who’s soft. Take it from me. Until next time, Lexers, sharpen those claws and follow LexATC on Twitter! (I know, I know… just do it. It’s really quite entertaining).
