Lex and the City: The Beginning of the End

Why hello there, Lexers. I trust everyone is well rested after a snowed in weekend and is looking forward to a great week. We here in the LATC offices couldn’t be happier about being able to walk down the sidewalk without slipping and falling anymore. Thanks so much facilities management for your diligent work in what I’m calling “The Great Snow Storm that Was-ish.”

So it was when a friend and I were discussing different metaphors for hooking up over Hong Kong’s Singapore Noodle delivery that the topic of closing came up. Some call it sealing, some call it icing, while others call it finishing (although that sounds way to Danielle Steel for me, so I like to stick with any combination of the first three). And it was when we were discussing the natural ability of turning that night long flirtation into a bonafide hook up that the questions came up: how important is the end game? In relationships, how do you seal the deal and ensure the touchdown? When relating with the opposite sex, how do you make sure you complete the play?

Having a good end game is paramount in fostering both long lasting relationships and successful hookups. This isn’t only for our single readers, either, folks. When you’re in a relationship, hooking up isn’t always guaranteed. Sure you aren’t trolling around basements like everyone else, but turning yet another sit down dinner into a lay down dessert is still an important skill.

The key to a successful end game is knowing exactly what the endzone is. It’s important to decide what your final goals are, otherwise, in terms of football you’re just running any which way with no clear direction. The reason it’s imperative to know what the finale is supposed to look like is because the rules are different in every situation. If the desired end game is a relationship, then you can’t act the same way you would if the desired end game were simply a handy-dandy in the back of a Traveller van. The rules are different depending on what you want.

Let’s consider that all you really want is a one-night stand. Your end game should strongly reflect that. A strong end game entails ensuring that you have a solid hook up location (preferably stocked with Health Center condiments), ramen noodles on tap, an interesting movie to watch (bonus points if you have a “movie” but no TV. Trust us). A ride for your hookup to and fro—preferably with a discreet fire escape exit, tints on your windshield and unmarked Texas plates—is imperative. It’s also important to consider your own BAC when you’re thinking about the end game. For one, no one wants to hook up with someone too sloppy; secondly, you want to make sure that all of your equipment is going to work and if you let yourself get too away from yourself then Whiskey Richard is the only person you’ll be playing hanky panky with for the night. These are all things to consider when thinking about your end game, folks.

Now let’s say the final destination is a walk down the left aisle of Lee Chapel or at the very least a steady relationship. In that case, hooking up for the night isn’t the primary goal. Showing that you have long term potential is the primary goal, and your touchdown strategy should reflect that. What you want to do is throw short safe passes until there’s no option but to DTR. Save the Hail Mary’s for your sluttier counterparts and position yourself as dating material, not simply screwing material.

Finishing isn’t only important in the act (because let’s be honest, finishing is extremely important and not always a guarantee): it’s the pre-act finish that matters. The ability to turn a sketchy DFB into a sketchy DFM or a drunken flirtation into a quality all night hook up is a skill that must be practiced and cultivated. Looking further down the road, being able to finish those hook ups into long lasting relationships is a skill that must fostered as well. So go, Lexers. Cultivate. Foster. And don’t forget to do a little touchdown dance when you finish both on the field and between the sheets. Have a great week, Lexers.